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Healthy Dating By
Nate Archer If you’re in high school, there’s a good chance that you really want to date. If you’re not dating already, you probably would like to. You feel alone and unloved and it seems like your life would be SO much happier if only you had “that special someone” as your date. You like to think about what it would be like. You spend time thinking about how you could win that person’s heart. You probably spend a lot of time thinking about this, don’t you? Why do you think we’re so consumed with the idea that we have to date? Why do you think most people want to date?
Most people want to date for the wrong reasons. A lot of people, especially guys (but also many girls) want to date for the physical kicks. They want the good feeling and the thrill that come from physical affection. Unless you’ve found a way to drain all of the hormones out of your body, this is probably something that affects you. But if your reason for dating is to fulfill YOUR desires, that is selfish. It is ESPECIALLY wrong if you’re looking for a thrill that is “over the line.” Make sure that this isn’t you’re motive. Also be smart enough to realize that it might be a big motive for the person you’re dating, and that isn’t good if you want a healthy relationship that honors God. People
also will date for status. If
you’re an underclassman girl and you start dating an upperclassmen guy, it
instantly raises your social status (especially if prom is coming up.)
Certain people are considered trophies, such as cheerleaders or the
captain of the football team. Again,
this type of dating is self-centered. It
is using someone else for your benefit. The same is true for people that date to feel good about
themselves. Many people date
because it will help their self-esteem. They
have bought into the lie that dating makes you happy and that you’re a loser
if you don’t date. Many girls
especially will date in order to feel loved, secure, or wanted. Too many girls are willing to put out physically just to feel
accepted. (Studies show that this
is especially true for girls who do not have a good relationship with their
father. They often try to fill that
void with a relationship with a guy. If
you are a girl who doesn’t have a good relationship with your father, please
realize that you need to be extra careful!)
We all are wired with a desire for intimacy, but be careful where this
desire might lead you. (Click
here to read a separate article about intimacy.) Why
do you want to date?
There
are some healthy reasons to date, but the one that is the best is also the one
that people overlook the most. The
best reason to date is to figure out who you want to marry one day!
Dating is a chance to get to know someone, so you don’t end up marrying
a loser! If THIS is one of your
main motives for dating, your dating like is going to look a LOT different than
if your main motives are unhealthy. For
example, if this is your main motive, you’re not going to keep dating someone
once you realize that they are a loser. Hopefully,
you would even figure this out BEFORE you start serious dating.
If you’re dating someone that you know you wouldn’t want to marry…
why? For physical kicks?
So you can feel good because you are dating someone?
Because it’s just too hard to break up?
You NEED to be willing and able to break things off with someone once you
find out that the relationship isn’t going anywhere.
Keep your relationship from being co-dependant.
Don’t let your date control you to make it hard to break up.
This might seem crazy at first, but if you think about it, it’s true…
If you really love someone unconditionally, the most loving thing to do if
it’s not meant to be is stop dating them. A MAIN PURPOSE OF DATING IS TO BREAK UP! Get to know someone so you DON’T marry a loser! Let
me suggest that there are two types of dating.
I think that a lot of the problems that come from dating would be
eliminated if people distinguished between these two types.
The problem is that sometimes a guy or girl will pretend that he just
wants to casual date, but it ends up being a serious relationship before you
even know it. It starts out as an
offer to go to a movie just as friends. Then
next week, you do something again. Well,
now that you’ve gone out on two dates, now you’re “dating.”
People start to think you’re a couple and you start feeling that
you’re supposed to feel loyal to the other person (especially if he spent a
lot of money on you.) Now that you’re dating, you start to get physical (because
that’s what people do when they’re dating) and now you’re stuck in a
serious relationship when you originally thought you would just be going out to
a movie as friends. I’m not
kidding about this; it is a common strategy that people use to “sneak” into
a relationship.
That is why it is such a good idea to think of dating as either casual dating, or serious dating without confusing or BLURRING the two. If you want to go on a “date” with someone just as friends, that’s fine! But remember that it’s only a casual date. It’s not romantic and it is NOT supposed to get physical. ALSO, just because you go one a few casual dates together does NOT mean that you are now serious dating. It also does not mean that you are joined to that person and can’t do things with other people. If either of you want to take it to that next level where you only date each other and might want to get physical, you need to talk about it an both decide that you want to do that.
But
again, as far as getting physical, hold off on it for as long as you possibly
can… even with the light stuff such as holding hands, hugs, and light kisses.
There is so much that is great about these things, so take time to savor
them! It is almost impossible to be
satisfied with the simple things again if you rush into the heavier things.
And if you care about saving sex until you’re married, let’s face it,
you’ve probably got a LONG time to go. Don’t
rush right up to the “line” and expect to be satisfied staying there for the
next few years. Also, DON’T get
physical with someone at all if you’re not seriously dating.
It can be really tempting to use physical affecting to push someone’s
passion button, but don’t do it. It’s
manipulation and it makes you seem cheap. In
his mind, it will be really easy for him to start thinking that if you were
willing to be physical in order to win him, you will be willing to be even MORE
physical to keep him! I honestly think that when you decide that you want to move the relationship from being casual to serious, you should take the time to talk about it. It might even be best to wait until the next day to make the decision (so that your decision isn’t driven by emotion.) Yes, I know that in the movies it seems a lot more romantic to get swept away by the moment and start kissing, but I am convinced that this way is better. I asked Hope before I held her hand, and I asked her before I kissed her for the first time. This keeps you from rushing into something. It also importantly keeps you both on the same page… so that one person doesn’t think the relationship is serious while the other person thinks they’re basically just friends.
BULLET POINTS: There
is a lot more that could be said about dating, so without writing an entire
book, here are some things to think about... •Remember, your worth as a person is NOT determined by who you date or IF you date! Believing this one fact will completely change your entire attitude about dating. •Remember,
you DON’T HAVE TO DATE! Contrary to popular opinion, it is true. •Remember,
having NO boyfriend is better than having a bad boyfriend! •Don’t
look to dating to solve all your problems or to make you feel happy and
complete! You will just exchange one set of problems for
another. •Be
a whole person yourself before you date.
A lot of times
people want to date because they are hurting or because they feel incomplete.
They feel like a half-person and think that if they get into a
relationship with another half-person, it will make a whole person.
It doesn’t. All you get is
two half-people. Working on
becoming a whole person yourself, and find another whole person to date. •Don’t
date someone thinking you will change them!
YOU WONT! I can almost
guarantee that any change that does happen will be purely external and not from
the heart. People will often try to
“change” to be the person their date wants… but it’s a masquerade. It’s not real and they will probably change back as soon as
you stop dating. If you really want
to change someone or help them… you can help them better as their FRIEND. •Remember,
God might think it best for you not to date right now.
Trust Him about this. He
knows better than you and He cares about you more than you care about dating. Don’t think that God doesn’t care about you if he
doesn’t give you a date. The
opposite is probably true. •Find
your satisfaction and security in God first! •When looking for a date,
DON’T get hung up on the wrong things.
(Looks,
money, status, fun...) •Be willing to break up!
If someone isn’t someone you want to marry, you will
either break up with them or end up marring them anyway. •Be ABLE to break up.
Don’t get so attached or dependent on the other
person that it will be really hard to break up if/when you need to.
This is true emotionally, sexually, and also true as far as practical
things such as depending on the person for money or favors. •Don’t totally give your
heart away… you might want it back someday.
Movies say that it is romantic to totally give your
heart away. They make it seem like that’s what true love is.
•Take it SLOW!!!
Focus on friendship! •Remember, group dating is a great thing. Group dating keeps the focus on fun and friendship and
helps keep you out of trouble! •The
longer you can work on your friendship BEFORE getting physical AT ALL, the
better the relationship will be in the long run. Once you get physical, especially
once you get beyond light kisses, the other areas of the relationship stop
developing and take a back seat. The
relationship will now tend to revolve around the physical aspect.
Also, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to go back to where you were. •Don't blur the line between casual dating and serious dating. •Remember: The bait you use
determines the kind of fish you catch!
For example: If you use skin to attract a guy, what
kind of guy do you think you are going to get?
Use the right bait to catch the right kind of fish!
Don’t worry if losers don’t want to date you.
You don’t want to date them either!
Hold out for quality! •Listen to your friends!
“Love”
can make you blind. Listen to your
friends. •Don’t change who you are to
satisfy your date’s expectations •If you want to be a growing Christian, you need to date ONLY growing Christians!! Not only is it smart… not only is it true… it is what God’s Word says is His will for you! Don’t expect God to bless something that is outside of His will. I am convinced that for most teens there is no quicker way to screw up their spiritual life than to get emotionally attached to someone who is not a growing Christian. Would you want to marry someone who isn’t a growing Christian? How can you be truly intimate with someone when you don’t share the same thing at the most important part of your being? “Do
not be yoked [joined] together with
unbelievers. For what do righteousness
and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship [intimacy] can light
have with darkness?" -2 Corinthians 6:14 •Respect yourself, your date,
and God enough to save sex for marriage!! "It
is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should abstain from sexual
immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that
is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen [ non-Christians]
who do not know God." -1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 •Just because it isn’t full
throttle sex DOESN’T mean it isn’t over the line (and sin)!
There are a lot of things that cross the line well
before actual sex. I think that
Ezekiel 23:21 shows that quite clearly. Yes,
these things are not exactly the same as straight out sex, but they are still
things you want to save for your future husband or wife.
“So
you longed for the lewdness of your
youth when in Egypt your
bosom was caressed
and your young breasts fondled.”
-Ezekiel 23:21
•Don’t confuse physical
affection for love! If your
boyfriend REALLY loves you, he will RESPECT you and keep you pure!
Just because he says he loves you doesn’t mean that
he does. Just because he “can’t
live without you” doesn’t mean that he loves you… just that he’s either
codependent or giving you a line. •Accept the fact that YOU will
sin if you are not careful!
If you think you’re such a good Christian that you
could never mess up, you probably will. •If you’re NOT planning to NOT have sex, you’re
probably planning to have sex.
Don’t put yourself in a circumstance where you are
setting yourself up to fail. Don’t
lie to yourself and pretend your motive are pure.
For example, don’t tell yourself that your JUST going to go to the
beach in the middle of the night and all you are going to do is cuddle under the
blanket. Right...
Don’t tell yourself that you’re JUST going to crawl in bed with each
other, but you’re not going to do anything. •Set smart boundaries up front!
(and follow them!)
Examples: Don’t be home without parents.
Never be alone behind closed doors.
•Make yourselves accountable to
others! •Remember emotional boundaries
as well as physical boundaries. •Remember how much the world
influences you. Most
people assume that what they see on TV and in the hallways at school is normal and healthy. Unless
you use the Bible to filter out the values of the world, those are the values
you will have. •Don’t become co-dependant.
Be your own person. Be able
to exist on your own. •Spend time
apart. You need time to be alone. You need time to be with other friends. You need time to be alone with God. Don’t smother the person you’re dating and don’t let
the other person smother you. It’s
not healthy. If you really care
about the other person, give each other some space. •Spend time apart AND not on
the phone. •Spend time apart AND not
thinking about each other. •Keep growing healthy
relationships with your other friends!
You NEED your other friends to keep healthy.
Dating can easily drive you away from your other friends because of all
the time you spend with your date. MAKE
time for your friends, especially your friends of the same sex. •Keep God number-one in your
life.
This means that if you notice that
your relationship with the person you’re dating is affecting your relationship
with God, you should stop dating them. Keep God number one in your life
(for real) and everything else will fall into place. There are some very good Christians books about dating. One book that a lot of people have read is “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. You might totally agree with everything in the book, but he does have a lot of good point to think about! Here are some good points that he makes… Seven Habits of Defective Dating 1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment. 2. Dating tends to skip the friendship side of the relationship. 3. Dating often mistakes the physical side of the relationship with love. 4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. 5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. 6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness. 7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character. Five New Attitudes 1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ’s love. 2. Your unmarried years are a gift from God. 3. Intimacy is a reward of commitment. I don’t need to pursue a romantic relationship until I’m ready for marriage. 4. I cannot "own" somebody outside of marriage. 5. I will avoid situations that could compromise my purity. |
