Husbands and Wives
part one
by Nate Archer
Ephesians 5:21-33
21“Submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30for we are members of His body. 31‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ 32This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Why talk about this with high school teens?
Culture and Controversy
The spirit of the age that we live in today is much different than the cultural climate of the Bible’s times. Since the rise of the feminist movement in the sixties and seventies, there has been a lot of pressure to view gender roles as completely interchangeable. It is not politically correct to teach that God has different roles for men and women. However, I believe that we cannot let modern culture determine what the Bible means.
Another reason why this topic can be controversial is because of how badly it has been abused over the centuries. As one pastor put it, the phrase “wives submit to your husbands” has been used as a baseball bat by some husbands against their wives. It has been easy for some men to twist the meaning of this passage to use it to belittle women or as pious fuel for arrogant power trips. Therefore, we must be careful to look at the real meaning of this passage. We must be careful not to error on one side or the other. It is wrong to abuse Scripture, and it is wrong to throw out God’s guidance because it has been sinfully abused in the past.
There is also a good deal of misunderstand about this issue. With a potentially emotional issue like this, it is easy to jump to conclusions about what another person is saying. This might be especially true for people who have been burned before. However, we need to make every effort to hear what the other person is saying without jumping to conclusions or basing our interpretation on an emotional reaction.
God's Message for Husbands
In Ephesians, the apostle Paul first talks about the wife’s responsibilities and then talks about the husband’s responsibilities. In today’s cultural climate, I think it might be better to look at God’s message to husbands first. I think that if we take this approach, a lot of the questions and problems about God’s message to wives will come across in a much different light!
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of His body. 31‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ 32This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” -Ephesians 5:25-33 NIV
Christ and the Church
A huge key to understanding all of this is the fact that God has designed marriage to be a metaphor to explain the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. It’s not just that Christ and the church are like marriage… marriage has been designed by God with Christ and the church in mind first. God designed marriage to teach us about the relationship between Jesus and Christians. (Note: “The church” does not refer to a church building, or to one specific local church. “The church” is the universal church. It is made up of all true Christians everywhere, including heaven and earth.)
As John Piper has written, “Now why is the coming together of a man and a woman to form one flesh in marriage a mystery? Paul’s answer in verse 32 is this: the marriage union is a mystery because it’s deepest meaning has been partially concealed, but is now being openly revealed by the apostle, namely, that marriage is an image of Christ and the church. Verse 32, ‘I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.’ So marriage is like a metaphor or an image or a picture or parable that stands for something more than a man and a woman becoming one flesh. It stands for the relationship between Christ and the church. That’s the deepest meaning of marriage. It’s meant to be a living drama of how Christ and the church relate to each other.”
So, how is a husband supposed to treat his wife? Husbands are to treat their wives in the same way that Christ treated His church!
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Have you ever read the Gospel accounts of the sufferings of Jesus? Have you ever watched the movie The Passion of the Christ? THAT is how much husbands are supposed to love their wives. THAT is the degree of sacrifice that husbands are supposed to be willing to make for the good of their wives. So now, who do you think has the harder job? If husbands would get this right, a lot of the problems surrounding this issue would take care of themselves. What wife wouldn’t want a husband like that? Sure, there are some battle-hardened feminists who wouldn’t even want to submit to a Christ-like husband… just as there are unbelievers who don’t want to submit to Christ Himself. But as far as Christian women, many of them confess that women deeply crave a Christ-like man to be the spiritual leader for their family. For them, this submission isn’t a resentful or passive; it’s joyful and willing. |
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How DOES Christ Love the Church?
There is no way that a husband can love his wife in the same way that Christ loved the church if he does not know what the word "love" really means? The world has many twisted views of what love is. When many people say "love" they just mean "lust" or sexual attraction. This isn't Christ's love for the church! Sometimes when people say "love" they just mean affection. We feel affection for kitties and bunnies... Christ's love is deeper than that! At other times when people say "love" they mean that they receive happiness from the object of their love. For them, "I love you" means "you make me happy." Basically, "I love you" means the basically same thing as "I love ice cream."
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Which of these is the love of Christ like? A. "I can't live without you." B. "I will do whatever is best for you." |
Now, some of these concepts should be a part of
what it means for a husband to love his wife, but there is something more
that is at the root of true love. Christ shows us what love truly is. In Romans 5:8 Paul said, "But God demonstrates
His love for us in this: While we were sinners, Christ died for
us."
The picture of “love” that we see on TV and movies, and at school, is warped and confused. Most people think that love means, “I can’t live without you.” That isn’t love. That’s selfishness. |
In contrast, Christ's love is a sacrificial love. He came to serve. He came to give His life on the cross as a sacrificial payment for our sin. Therefore, to love like Christ means to be willing to do absolutely whatever is truly best for the other person... even at great cost to yourself. Gushy feelings or strong passions are not a sure indicator of real love. Loving the way that Christ loved is not a matter of feeling, it is a matter of action.
John Piper reminds us, “God means (by marriage) to say something about His Son and his church by the way husbands and wives relate to each other. We see this in verses 23-25. Verse 24 speaks to the wife about her half of the metaphor and verses 23 and 25 speak about the husband’s half of the metaphor. Wives, find your distinctive role in keying off the way the church relates to Christ. Verse 24, ‘As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be subject to everything in their husbands.’ Then to husbands: find your distinctive role as a husband in keying off the way Christ relates to the church. First verse 23, ‘The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior.’ Then verse 25, ‘Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.’”
Ten Ways Husbands Must Love Like Christ
Therefore, if a husband is to love his wife the way that Christ loves the church, it will mean at least the following ten things:
1. Sacrifice for her
Christ’s example shows us that being the leader means sacrifice! In John 15:13 Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." A husband should be willing to sacrifice anything, even his life, for his wife. And... if he should be willing to sacrifice his life, then he should be willing to sacrifice everything less than his life as well! Don't claim that you would sacrifice your life if you aren't willing to sacrifice lesser things! You need to be willing to sacrifice whatever you need to for the good of your wife... your time, your energy, your money, your preferences, or whatever is needed.
2. Utmost concern for her godliness and purity
We see from Ephesians 5:26-27 that Christ’s goal for the church is to “make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” This means that a husband should be devoted to the spiritual growth of his wife. He should be devoted to guarding and protecting her purity. Girls, if a guy has shown by his actions that he is not concerned about protecting a girl’s purity before marriage, this is not the type of guy you want to marry!
3. Provide for her
Ephesians 5:29 talks about feeding and caring. A husband is supposed to be a provider for his family. 1 Timothy 5:8 says, "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Now, this doesn't mean that you have to earn enough to buy your family a huge house, new cars, and a swimming pool... but it does mean that you should be providing the basics for your family to live. So... are you becoming this type of person? Are you taking your education seriously? Are you developing a strong work ethic? If you can't hold down a decent job, no girl should even think about marrying you!
4. Protect her
Husbands need to protect their wives, physically as well as emotionally and spiritually.
5. Never be selfish
Sacrificial love is the opposite of selfish love. And remember, Ephesians 5:28-31 reminds us that the act of marriage unites a man and a woman into "one body." Therefore, husbands must learn to seek their own happiness in the happiness and well being of their wife. Husbands should never consider themselves apart from their wives. As D. Martin Lloyd Jones has said, "You cannot detach yourself from your body, so you cannot detach yourself from your wife."
6. Never abuse her
This should be obvious, but it is worth saying! You should never abuse your wife physically, verbally or emotionally. Girls, look at the way that your boyfriend treats you before you get married. If he treats you "a little" bad now, it will be worse once you are locked in marriage. How is his temper? Also, look carefully at the way he treats his mother. This is usually a very good indicator about how he will treat his wife one day.
7. Never neglect her
Christ doesn't neglect the church; Husbands should not neglect their wives. They need and deserve your time and attention.
8. Never take her for granted
Appreciate your wife for the things she does!
9. Provide Christ-live leadership for your family
Ephesians 5:23 says that the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church. As the head of the household, husbands need to take the responsibility to provide leadership for their family. Jesus taught us, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your salve.” (Matthew 20:25-27) Jesus washed His disciple’s feet. This is the type of leader that God is calling men to be… a servant-leader.
10. Take responsibility for your family
Leadership and responsibility always go hand in hand. As the head of the house, the husband has the most responsibility before God for the well-being of his family. The mother certainly has responsibility also, but the husband has the most. We will look at this more in part two, but for now, maybe a good way of thinking about it is that the husband and wife are a team, but the husband is supposed to be the team captain.
Links:
Audio Messages on this topic by John Piper, Elisabeth Elliot, R.C. Sproul, Alistair Begg and others.
"A Real Man is a True Man" a real time audio message by Elisabeth Elliot
"The Husband's Role" and "The Husband Cherishes" real time audio messages by R.C. Sproul
"Husbands Who Love Like Christ and Women Who Submit to Them." a transcript by John Piper (real audio)
Other transcripts by John Piper on this subject
What Should Be the Husband's Role in Marriage, an article by Dennis Rainey