Husbands and Wives

part two

by Nate Archer

 

Ephesians 5:21-33

²¹“Submit to each other out of reverence for Christ.  ²²Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  ²³For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior.  ²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

 

²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her ²⁶to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.  ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  ²⁹After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- ³⁰for we are members of His body.  ³¹‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’  ³²This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the church.  ³³However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”  

 

I almost dread writing this because it is so easy to misunderstand... especially because some of the people who will read this will read it for the purpose of finding something wrong with it.  We all have our presupposition, and when someone without a Biblical worldview looks at what the Bible says about husbands and wives, it is surely going to clash with much of what they have assumed from our world's culture.

 

But nonetheless... this is what God's Word tells us, and for those of us who recognize the authority of the Word of God, and who are trying to live life from a Christian worldview, this is something we have to deal with.

 

Since a main place that we are going to get hung up on is the terms, maybe it would be best to start by defining what we mean by "submission" and "headship."  Hopefully, doing this will help readers from importing meaning into these words that we don't intend to imply.  For example, when Christians talk about submission, it is wrong to picture someone wearing a dog-color and a leash being forced to bow before their master or something like that.  Obviously, that example is extreme, but there are all kinds of odd ways of imagining and leaping to a conclusion about what Christians believe the Bible is saying.  That ends up being a "strawman" argument against Christianity.  (A strawman argument is when you set up an easy-to-defeat version of the position you are against.  It is unfair.)  So, if you are reading this article and disagree, at least please don't misrepresent us by using the terms in a way that we do not intend.  That being said, I appreciate the definitions of "headship" and "submission" that John Piper supplies:

 

 

When Christians talk about the Bible's instruction for wives to submit to their husbands, we must keep in mind what the Bible says to husbands as well!  That is why I wrote the article on husbands first.  If we think of the husband's leadership as being Christ-like servant leadership, the whole picture changes!  Now on the other hand, as I have heard Elisabeth Elliot point out, when God was inspiring the writing of the book of Ephesians He already knew that no human husband would ever live up to the challenge.  He knew that nobody would love their wife to the same degree that Christ loved the Church.  Therefore, it would be wrong to say, "Well, my husband doesn't love me as perfectly as Christ, so the deal is off!"  If that were the case, this passage would never apply to anyone!  God knew He was writing this to people who would marry sinners.  So, God's instructions still apply even if the other person isn't perfect.  It is not as if husbands are allowed to stop loving their wives if the wife isn't currently affirming his leadership!  

 

"When God said, 'Wives submit yourselves to your husbands,' let me ask you this. What sort of wives was He talking about? The wives that were born submissive? Is that the way you were born? Not me. What sort of husbands was He talking about that they were supposed to submit to? Loving ones, perfect ones, faultless ones, wise, good, kind men who loved their wives every day as Christ loved the Church? I don't think there are very many of them around...  No, when God gave that command, He was talking to ordinary people. And ordinary people, my Bible tells me, are sinners...  And don't ever forget that you marry a sinner. There really isn't anything else to marry. And there will be many reminders that you have married a sinner. I would say, "Don't ever forget that your husband is also stuck with a sinner."  So here is a command which really is impossible to keep, isn't it? Because if the wife says, 'Well, I can't submit to my husband because he doesn't love me like Christ loves the Church,' and the husband says, 'Well, I can't possibly love my wife as Christ loved the Church because she doesn't submit to me,' we then have a permanent stand-off. Each is exonerated from keeping the commands of God because he makes his own obedience contingent on the obedience of the other. Well, we can't do that." -Elisabeth Elliot

 

 

Not About a Person's Worth!

 

And please understand this up front- the Biblical idea of "submission" does not imply the ranking of a person's worth, dignity, or value!  I want to say this clearly and strongly, however I am certain that some people will read right past this and jump to their own conclusions.  Don't do that!  Please don't read your assumptions into what is being said.  

 

It is very easy for people to jump to the conclusion that submission implies inferior worth.  Why?  Because most Americans no longer have a Biblical worldview of humanity!  Let me ask you this, what do you think gives all human beings their worth and value?  Do you have an answer?  Let me suggest that our society assumes that the more authority you have, the more valuable you are as a person.  Celebrities are of more value than non-celebrities.  C.E.O.s are of more value that common workers.  Generals are of more value that privates.  So many of us have unconsciously bought into this that we spend our lives seeking influence and authority in order to validate and enhance our feelings of self-worth.

 

But the Biblical worldview says that authority has absolutely nothing to do with one's dignity or worth as a human being.  From the Biblical worldview, each person has exactly the same value as every other person for one reason... each of us were created in the image of God.  (Genesis 1:27)  This is the source of the dignity and value of every human being, including yourself and the person you marry.

 

Submission means voluntarily yielding to someone else's leadership.  It does not determine worth.  For those of us who view the Bible as authoritative, there is a perfect example that proves this... Jesus Christ.  Christians believe that Jesus, the Son of God, is completely equal with God the Father.  (Click here to learn more about the Christian doctrine of the Trinity.)  However, we also know that Jesus submitted His will to the will of God the Father.  In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus prayed, "Father, if You are willing, take this cup [of suffering] from Me, Yet not My will, but Yours be done" (Luke 22:42).  Therefore, from a Biblical perspective submission does not mean inferiority.

"In the Garden of Gethsemane, He prayed, ‘O Father, not as I will, but as Thou wilt.  I seek not Mine own will,’ Jesus said, ‘but the will of the Father which has sent Me.  It is no shame, no dishonor for a woman to be under the authority if the Lord Jesus, very God Himself, submitted to the authority of the Father.  Our position in the chain of command has nothing to do with an individual’s worth to God.” –Elisabeth Elliot

 

Now, some other people without a Christian worldview might disagree with the non-biblical idea that authority determines dignity.  Many people will assert that we all have equal value.  But why?  There is a big difference.  If you don't believe that we are all created in the image of God, you could reason that we all have the same dignity simply because none of us have any reason for meaning, worth, dignity, or significance!  Personally, I think this worldview is very sad, and disturbing, but countless people hold it without even realizing it.

 

So, as we discuss leadership in the home and equality, please remember that there are at least two ways of thinking about "equality."  If you were to ask me, "Do you believe that husbands and wives are equal?" I would have to ask you what you mean by "equal."  I wholeheartedly believe that husbands and wives are completely equal in dignity, value, significance, and worth as a person.   But I do not believe that God is giving husbands and wives identical roles in the family.  Their roles are complimentary, and equal in importance, but not completely identical.

 

 

But What About...

 

Okay, let's deal with this because I know someone is thinking it... What if the husband tells his wife to do something sinful?  Let's take it to the extreme.  What if the husband orders his wife to kill someone or to become a prostitute?  

 

First, if the husband is doing that, then he obviously isn't being Christ-like!  And he would need to stop encouraging sin.  

Second, when push comes to shove we must always obey God's law over human law.  It is the same way with the government.  We are commanded to obey the authorities (Romans 13:1-7) but if the government is forcing us to do something that is against God's moral will, we must follow God's will instead of man.  When the rulers were commanding Peter and John not to preach any longer about Christ, Peter and John replied, "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God.  For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard" (Acts 4:19-20).  God's direct authority trumps any delegated authority He gives to someone else.

Another situation I am sure people will think of is this: What if the husband is abusive?  That is a good question.  We shouldn't throw out God's Word because of extreme situations, but it is a good question.  Again, I want to give two answers.  

 

First, I hope that people reading this will be influenced NOT TO MARRY SOMEONE THAT COULD BE ABUSIVE!  Dumb choices have consequences.  That doesn't make it okay, but if we would learn to look ahead and make better choices beforehand we would spare ourselves so much grief later on!  Girls, marry someone you would be happy to submit to!  Imagine the most extreme form of voluntary submission you can imagine- maybe even beyond what is really being asked for- and imagine the type of man that you would trust with that level of authority over you.  When you can find a man of God like that, you have found someone good to marry!  Don't buy into culture's dictate that the main things that you should look for in a guy are looks, social status, money, and how much "fun" they are.  Change your criteria.  Those other things aren't wrong, but you will be so much more happy in the future with an average Joe that loves the Lord than anyone else.

 

Second, but if you do find yourself in the terrible position where you are being abused, you need to change the situation.  You need to get help.  You need to get away from that person and get protection from law enforcement.  Bottom line: you need to call the cops, or have a friend help you do this.  This is what is best for both of you!  I don't know what it will mean long-term for your relationship, but one way or another it will be better.  God willing, this intervention will help your husband to change... even if it takes many years of him being away from you.  It may sound strange, but if you really meant it when you took your vows to love each other, for better or for worse, until death do you part, that putting your husband in jail and/or counseling might actually be the only loving thing to do!

 

What About Mutual Submission?

 

Another thing we need to discuss is what Ephesians 4:21 means.  It says, "Submit to each other out of reverence for Christ."  Does this nullify leadership by the husband?  After all, if we are supposed to submit to "each other" than the husband must submit to his wife also, right?

 

Well, there are three basic ways of interpreting this passage.

 

 

Option A would mean that every believer submits to every other believer in the same way, without distinct roles. 

 

Option B means that husbands and wives both submit to each other, but in different ways.  The wife submits to her husband's leadership; the husband submits himself to his wife's needs, by sacrificing his personal desires to do what is best for her and his family instead.  

 

Option C means that we all have have people that God requires us to submit to- wives to husbands (Eph.5:22-24), children to parents (Eph. 6:1-3), employees to employers (Eph. 6:5-8), everyone to the government (Romans 13), and all believers to leaders in the church (Heb. 13:17).  Therefore, Paul was telling everyone to submit to all the people they are supposed to submit to, but not necessarily in a manner that is completely mutual.  (Side note: Interestingly, in the early church sometimes a person's servant would actually be that same person's church leader!  Therefore, in work matters, the master was in authority, but in church matters, the servant was in leadership.  Thus, there was often a web of interrelated submitting, but not necessarily completely mutual submission between everyone.)

 

Here is my take on these three options:  I think that both B and C are possible, but not A.  In addition, although I think that B is possible, I personally believe that C makes the most sense.  Here are my reasons.  I will start with the weaker reasons and move to the stronger ones.

 

1. The word "submission" was a military term meaning "to rank under."  At least, that is how the people in that culture at that time would have understood it.

 

2. Completely mutual submission would result in chaos.  For example, how well would an army function if the generals had to submit to the privates in the same way that the privates had to submit to the generals?  

 

And moving to stronger arguments...

 

3. The word for "one another" allelous can also be translated "one to another."  It does not always mean complete mutual submission.  Revelation 6:4 is an example of this.  Using the same Greek word, it says that the rider of the red horse was given power to take peace from the earth "and to make men slay each other."  Here, the NIV translates allelous as "each other."  It doesn't mean that every single man killed every other man while at the same time being killed by the other one.  It simply means that everyone was killing someone else.

 

4. If husbands were supposed to submit to their wives in the same way wives are supposed to submit to their husbands, it would also mean that parents are supposed to submit to their children the same way children are supposed to submit to their parents!  The same would be true for servants and masters.  Ephesians 5:21 introduces the whole section about submission that covers all three of these relationships.  If it is true for one, there is no reason why it would not be true for the others.  

 

  

5. Submission is based on the analogy of Christ and the church.  You can't make the roles between husbands and wives interchangeable without making the roles between Christ and the church interchangeable.  Remember, Ephesians 5:21-24 teaches, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”  In many ways, I believe this is the strongest point.  If you wanted to teach that husbands should submit to their wives, then based on Ephesians 5:21-24 you would also have to teach that Christ must submit to the church! Now, you could make the case that Christ submitted to the needs of the church by dying for her.  That would be option B.  But that is very different from saying that Christ submits to the church in the exact same way that the church submits to Christ, as in option A.

"It is not for nothing that God has chosen the metaphor of human marriage to represent that mystery. One is the head, and one follows. One is the bridegroom, and one is the bride. Which represents the bridegroom? Christ is the bridegroom and therefore, in a marriage, stands in the place of Christ. Which represents the Church? The wife. And so one is the initiator; one is the responder.  We can no more rearrange that divinely appointed order than we can reverse the nouns in this passage in Ephesians 5, and say, "Husbands submit yourselves to your wives as Christ submits to the Church." That is a violation of the mystery which is at stake.  This is why I feel so strongly about the whole business of tampering with the order of male and female--of rearranging the part that God has asked us to play in this mystery drama. We are fallen creatures. We are fallible. Yet this is the arrangement which God has appointed. We have erred and strayed from His ways like lost sheep, and yet we are not exempt from His command."  -Elisabeth Elliot

 

However, I think that there are already specific words that Paul is using in Ephesians to describe these two different types of "submission."  Paul wrote, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord... Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her."  Submitting to the leadership of another is called submission.  "Submitting" to the needs of another is what we defined in part 1 as love!  In other words: 

Yielding to someone's needs = "love"

Yielding to someone's leadership = "submission"

 

Questions

 

Are all women supposed to submit to all men?  Nope.  Just their husbands.  So, you're in luck.  If you don't want to ever have to submit to a certain guy... don't marry him.

 

Should a husband force his wife to submit?  Nope.  She is responsible to submit herself.  (That's in the Greek too.)  You worry about loving her.

 

How Does This Work Itself Out In Decision-Making:  It will probably be slightly different in every relationship.  In many ways, a whole lot of team work is still involved!  Click here for a decent article on that topic by Dennis and Barbara Rainey of FamilyLife.

 

 

---

 

HUSBANDS and WIVES PART 1

 

---

 

Links:

 

Disciplines of a Godly Woman a real-time audio message by Barbara Hughes

A Wife's Responsibility to Help Her Husband a real-time audio message by Barbara Hughes

True Womanliness a real-time audio message by Elisabeth Elliot

The Ancient Idea a real-time audio message by Elisabeth Elliot

Many articles by Elisabeth Elliot on this subject

Other Audio Messages on this topic by Elisabeth Elliot, Jodi Ware, Barbara Hughes, Alistar Begg, R.C. Sproul, and others.  Other transcripts by John Piper on this subject

Submission: A Lot More Than Giving In, an article by Rebecca Jones